Having said that, I am sad and scared....for her, for my children, for my dad, and for myself. I have not always had the greatest attitude towards death. When I was in college, I signed up for and dropped the "Death and Dying " class about three times. I never did end up taking it and I was a psych major! I probably didn't think about it much for a long time after that.
I remember holding his hand in the ICU and thinking that I had no idea what I would tell my children if he didn't make it. It was the beginning of my road to seek religion and find out what I actually believed. We spent the entire summer investigating and reading about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I felt led there by my many encounters throughout my life with amazing people and families that really "walked the walk" and lived by their beliefs. I don't want to write about my conversion right now, although I love to talk about it. I am grateful every day for the knowledge of Jesus Christ and eternal families. I love that I know that we can see each other again. That knowledge really helps me accept death as a transition rather than an ending.
This is my grandfather's old mower that still sits as a monument to him in our yard. It doesn't work anymore but I will not get rid of it. He loved lawn mowers and tinkering with them. He always let me ride on this one with him and I would sit where he was missing a leg and I always felt like I could fit perfectly. I just kept looking at it today and thinking about life and loss and what is in store for us.
I feel better equipped now to handle death but I still don't like it. The transition is one thing...but the final moment is a different matter. I still cannot face the funeral pictures from our daughter's death (another sweet angel that I love to talk about but will save for another time) And, so, I move forward day by day and hour by hour with my grandmother...
I promised by the title of this post that I was going to talk about birth as well. It is the twin's birthday this week! I wholeheartedly wish we could spend it with them. I saw the cutest outfits that were 40% off at the mall last week. I just had to get them. I actually do this with every child I have given birth to. I buy a special outfit while I am pregnant and then I look at it off and on and I imagine what that little outfit will look like when it is filled with an actual miraculous little being. I didn't get the opportunity to do that with Corinna and Maria because they came to me in a state of emergency with no prior awareness of their arrival. I am glad that we do have the opportunity to do it this time. It helps me to process the reality of the new little spirits that will be with us soon. I took the picture outside on the play structure because I wanted to be able to picture them playing and happy inside those clothes. I can't wait to take that picture!