Hard times and Halloween

This post has been written and deleted day after day for the past few weeks.

It is hard to write about hard times...and so much more fun and easy to post cute pictures and talk about all the fun things our family is doing.

But life has trials and one of the hardest parts for me is not to envy others and feel frustrated seeing Facebook pictures of fun family outings and *normalcy*...those who are like we used to be, busy and happy, rather than in bed with a body that won't work.

So, with a literal deep breath, I am going to try to be honest about life's ups and downs because when I started this blog, I truly wanted a record of family history and I am currently failing at keeping it going during the harder times.

Since my last post we have been thrilled to experience the marriage of our daughter Lauren.....

to our amazing son in law, Paul.

 I will try to blog about that experience next since I am truly hoping to get a slideshow put together for them.

We also experienced my husband finally getting his dream job in law enforcement after a long and very difficult financial wait.  This is a pic of him being sworn in...my daughter had a hard time getting a picture without him blinking!

Actually, financially speaking, we were in near devastation after an expensive adoption where we laid everything out on the line, and my husband's current employers decided to fire him once they found out that the county was doing a background check with the *possibility* of hiring him.  They met him at the door with the paperwork and his last paycheck and said that they only wanted "long term employees".

My husband was devastated.  He stated that he had worked since he was sixteen years old and he had never ever been fired before.

And.....to make things a little worse....we were one week away from our daughter's wedding.  We were definitely watching money carefully but nevertheless....weddings add up!

And, my COBRA from my prior job was ending the next month.

The plan had been to take my husband's existing job's health insurance until he would, hopefully, get the job in law enforcement, but that was now no longer an option.

Next plan...private insurance until he could get his job.

I spent the day working on it but no one would take us because I had a pending referral to a neurologist.

Let me explain by taking this story back a few weeks after the wedding.  I got up as I normally do at 4:30am to teach seminary to the youth at our church.  I was startled to notice that my hands were tremoring.

At first I just figured I was tired and with a little extra rest it would go away.  And, then I was nervous that I was going to inherit my grandmother's essential tremor that she had for all the years that I knew her.  Little did I know that I would later be wishing that was all it was!

I arranged for a temporary sub for my class and headed for bed because by now I was noticing extreme fatigue and my feet were also jerking.... as well as constant random muscle twitches everywhere.

Within a few more days, I was having a very difficult time walking.  I was dizzy, clumsy, the muscles in my legs were weak and felt like flimsy rubber bands.  I began to feel that the only place I could feel semi-normal was laying in bed.

The next logical step would be to go to the doctor, right?

Well, I have been falling into every deep and dark crack there is in the health care system.  After attempts at every insurance route I could come up with including medi-cal and county insurance, the realization hit me....

I was going to have to wait a month to go to the doctor.  And so, my focus began to be distraction and trying not to think about it.  The children came to me and we spent most of October in my bedroom...eating, homeschooling, and (gasp) an increased amount of tv watching and computer use.

But, as I said, Robert was able to get the job and it looked like he would be working before the end of the month which would give us coverage (and the ability to see a doctor!) on November 1st.

It was a dark day just at my birthday when we found out definitively that Robert would start in November which would bump our insurance coverage to start in December.

At that point, I finally brought myself to email my doctor and ask for help and further guidance.

Last week, I finally was able to go in.  My doctor offered to see me without charge and boy did my body ever put on a show for her.

I'm sure it was because I was pushing myself harder just to get ready and go to the doctor's office.   Add the fact that she had to do several strength tests and I ended up jerking and tremoring everywhere by the time I could get out of there.  She mentioned a few things like MS and adrenal gland diseases and even the C word of cancer.  But, promised to do some homework over the weekend and get back to me on Monday to prioritize the tests and referrals to specialists since we are uninsured.

And, that is all I know for now....I am done with being so quiet about it and private.  I just was truly hoping it would all disappear and, I would still welcome whatever it is,  to vacate my body whenever it would like.... without any need for explanation!

For my friends and family, I get tired *very* easily including phone conversations.  Don't get me wrong...I can talk your ear off but even good stress seems to leave me tremoring and stumbling.  Thankfully I have only actually fallen once and the only result was a scraped back and bruised backside and a bit of a bruised ego (I had actually just been telling myself that I could push through the dizziness because I had never fallen!)

I truly would appreciate prayers....(and health insurance! ;)

I will leave you with some fun Halloween pictures to keep you updated that the children are still hanging in there with all of this!

Ilya was having so much fun that he decided to taste raw pumpkin!

At first he decided that it was pretty good!

Then, he decided he wasn't so sure!

Then, he went right back to eating it anyway! Ha ha!  I absolutely adore this little boy!!!

He even convinced Robertson and Amelia to try it...never underestimate the power of a five year old!

I don't think they were too convinced!!!

But, they all had a fun time!  Especially because their grandparents bought the pumpkins for them and they got to choose which one they wanted.  Amelia's was HUGE!!!

Hooray for pumpkin carving!

I wasn't able to go, so my poor overworked older girls were able to just get a few pictures of the Halloween party at church:

Hmmm, never underestimate the power of blogging either!  I'm feeling much more cheery after posting these pictures...I am truly blessed with a wonderful family!